one month ago on this very day

the 2013 boston marathon occurred. 

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if we all remember from my last post i was sick and miserable so instead of going to some reenactments in the morning and then heading over to the marathon like i had planned i ended up laying on john's couch and watched it instead on tv. 

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i decided to see what else was on around 2:30 and then at 3 i saw that my friend had instagrammed a photo of her television with a caption about something terrible happening at the marathon. i quickly turned the tv back to it and then sat in horror as i watched them replay what had happened. at this point no one really knew what was going on so i sat glued to the television for probably six hours listening to a small detail here or there as the story unfolded. usually when things like this are on the news i feel sad for the people but have no real attachment to the place so it was weird to watch and instead be very familiar with the bombed area. i just couldn't believe someone would do such a terrible thing and i had an even harder time with the fact that it happened in my city. 

and because it was my city i had friends and family text, call, send fb messages, etc to see if i was there and if i was safe/unhurt. considering i was supposed to be at the marathon that day i was very touched by all those who reached out, some of which i hadn't talked to in months and months, to make sure i was okay. 

the next day i still wasn't feeling well (my body felt fine but everything in my head was still sad and my throat was maaaaybe on fire) but felt better than i had the days previous so my work friend meg and i decided to go downtown to participate in one of the many vigil's being held for the victims. 

i loved the flyer that was passed around for it, 

"darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that"

we tried to make our way to a different vigil but many of the streets were still closed off so we just checked out boylston street (where it happened). 

other than the random japanese news anchor it was pretty deserted. it was eerie since that street is usually packed with cars and people. i found the photo below on the internet, it looks like in the following days that tiny mural in the picture above on the left became rather large. 

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since it was only a day after the bombing it was touching to see that signs with words of encouragement and love were already posted everywhere

(and this is unrelated to the bombings but i really enjoyed other parts of our walk too, like this night time scene near the prudential)

wednesday and thursday seemed semi normal. everyone was going about their lives but you could tell they felt a little worried, not very safe with the recent events, and didn't like not knowing where these bombers were. 

and then there was friday. 

i was so proud of myself that i woke up on time, showered, and was even going to be a little early for my 7:30 am yoga class. i was about to go out the door when i got a text from my roommate saying that they had been chasing the bombers all night and that it would be a good idea to stay home until further notice. 

i thought that was kind of crazy and unrealistic so i was about to go out the door anyway when i decided to check and see if the buses and subway were running.  they were not. i then checked my work email and found the three emails above which confirmed to me that my roommate's suggestion to stay home really would be a good idea. 

sooo my day (and probably everyone else who lives in boston) went like this:

8 - 2:30 tried to work from home while simultaneously listening to the news and taking gross pictures of myself to send to my sister kim. i also tried to do yoga for one minute and made myself lunch 

(this play by play is for you grace!)

2:30 -5:30 i couldn't take the boring repeated news anymore, laid down, then woke up in a panic 3 hours later

5:30 - 5:45 got really rebellious and  sat on my porch outside for a few minutes

5:45 - 9  tried to keep working but finally things were really happening so the news was much more exciting. around this time they finally found the guy! 

he was captured three miles away from my house, as you can see from the really helpful map i made above. 

so then we drove down there and joined in on the celebrations going on in the streets of watertown. 

i have a feeling the military and policeman felt like rockstars. so much cheering and clapping going on!

then we drove to the arsenal mall which is where all the tv crews were set up all day. so many satellites!

(i circled some of them in pink but that was only a fraction of them)

and then it was time to visit the house with the boat where he was found. 

oddly we were were able to get really close to it, and felt really pleased with ourselves (as seen below) 

and then just like that it was over. now a month later it all kind of seems like a dream. i know it isn't that way for those who were personally impacted and will probably feel like a bit of a nightmare for a long time, but for the rest of us life just continues to move forward and the media finds some other tragedy to exploit. but just so i don't forget - it was a week full of uncertainty and sadness and tears yet it was also full of hope in humanity and gratitude for so many wonderful people who helped save those who were hurt. my heart was especially touched by those who had just finished the marathon and then continued to run to the hospital to give blood or the physician who immediately started working on people even though he himself was exhausted. i've felt so proud to be a bostonian at this time and to be associated with such good people and for others to recognize that goodness. i loved what stephen colbert said, "here's what i know. these maniacs may have tried to make life bad for the people of Boston but all they can ever do is show just how good those people are." and that is true for all places of the world, i feel like every time these terrible things happen somehow so much good comes from it. so that was my experience. i saw people rise, unite, show love for one another, and in the end grow stronger as a community than they were previously.

dear blogary,

kind of like diary?

but i don't feel like uploading pictures so here is a photobooth gem that i just took one minute ago. 

one of the best parts about being unemployed is days like this. honestly a lot of times i just feel stressed that i have yet to find work but on days when it is freezing outside, the wind is crazy, and it won't stop snow/raining - i feel great about it. while everyone else has real things to do (forcing them to go outside) i get to still be in my sweats, enjoy hearing the bad weather out my window, read and do other relaxing things, and finally drink some of the apple cider my mom sent me (why in the world would boston not sell that stuff?).  granted, i will be beyond thrilled when employment finally occurs (so will my savings account) but i just need to enjoy the situation i'm in because heaven knows the day will come when all my job dreams will come true and i will look back fondly on the days where i didn't have to go to work and be a real adult. so even though part of me feels like i should have guilty feelings about days like this, the other part of me decides to love it instead. 

i just moved (again) and this time it is real! no more sublets, this baby room is all mine until september. i was feeling really stressed about the move and how small the room is but to my surprise all my things fit very nicely in the closet (which kind of feels as big as the room) and i don't have near as many things as the last girl so it feels a lot bigger and the room is actually quite the perfect size! i'll post pictures eventually, or you can just look what is behind me in the picture above and you will get the general idea.  big thanks to grace and new roommates for making the move go smoothly! grace's vehicle was completely full of stuff, how i've already accumulated so many things i will never know. 

it turns out i like drama. embarrassing, i know. am i 17 still? usually i have had enough of it in my own life but as of late i feel good about my relationships with friends and family and pretty much every bridge i've managed to burn over the years has been mended in some way or another so my life feels pretty drama free. it should be noted that i also haven't watched law and order svu since the last time i talked about it because it stresses me out. this has caused me to turn to the bachelor. that show/ben is the worst! but i must say with just a few episodes it has successfully fulfilled my drama needs so i appreciate you for reminding me this show existed and you for your insightful (haha) recaps.  and i appreciate you, bachelor,  for helping me be forever grateful that i was raised to have values and that i'm not gross. 

i feel awkward going from that subject to this one but hey let's talk about the temple! tonight is our ward (baptism) temple night and after calling the temple today i found out that at the boston temple endowed members can go too! since it isn't like that in utah i haven't done baptisms for almost four years so i will definitely be in attendance tonight and feel pretty pumped about it.

aaaaand back to the job search i go.  

hi again.

first i just wanted to say thank you to everyone who contacted me in one way or another after my last post, your concern and love means so much to me. i keep feeling like perhaps i was too dramatic (even though i tried not to be) and i've almost deleted it a few times out of discomfort of people knowing i don't have feelings of steel and that sometimes i let things get to me but it is good to feel vulnerable sometimes. it keeps me humble :) ..with that being said i just want everyone who was concerned to know that i really am fine! the last two days have actually been really good. yesterday i was with nice church friends for the better part of the day and today two of my roommates and i went and did some things together. it has felt different since i wrote that post, perhaps it is the whole attitude change thing? who knows. but i'm sure anyone who read my mission emails or have listened to any dramatic story i've ever told knows - i'm pretty good at making a big deal over things that eventually blow over. so without further ado, let's talk about something else! 

as i've already mentioned, a week ago today i moved out of my first sublet. before leaving we all watched a few episodes of law and order svu together which mary (you remember my new friend mary right?) actually suggested we do. i think she just knew suggesting it would thrill me to no end, which it did. it was a great way to end our roommateship haha. after our mini marathon grace and dave helped me move to my new place (which i have no idea how i would have done without them! they are definitely my boston angels).

as i walked up the stairs that night i stopped to admire this family picture on their wall and then something caught my eye:

anyone recognize that pretty lady on the right? i know who she is from her "i'm a mormon" video but some of you might know her as the famous 71 toes blogger? after doing some simple research/creeping i figured out i am staying in her sister's house! it never ceases to amaze me how small this world is.

by the next morning i had everything put away and have never felt happier to have my own space and a place to put everything! i really thought i would just have to bum around other people's places and live out of my suitcases until march 1st, so finding this place to sublet was a serious tender mercy.

i even feel happy about the pictures of babies left on the walls and my make shift desk i am typing on at this very moment and the kitchen stool i'm using to sit on and the fact that i'm wearing a beanie and scarf because it is freezing haha. if you would have told me two months ago that i would be living in massachusetts and staying in a 7 year old's room and doing all the things i've been doing, i would have laughed at you. life is pretty unpredictable but i guess that is what makes it so nice.

..if you would like to see the rest of the house i found my roommates blog.
they made a post all about it here. 

hi.

                           

do you ever feel like talking to someone but no one in particular? maybe that is a cue for me to write in my journal but i feel like writing on my blog so i'm just going to tell you things about my life and then maybe how i feel about it okay? don't be weirded out.

it is 8:05 pm on saturday night. i am sitting at my makeshift desk in some rather comfy fleece pajama pants and my $1.50 red sweatshirt from guy's discount. my hair is still half wet from my shower and i probably should have blow dried it an hour ago. i'm listening to the bon iver station on pandora and i know i should be hip and get into spotify but it just feels hard. back to bon iver, i'm quite a fan of this station but sometimes i just wish he and others like him didn't slip in the f word here and there? i just don't really get why that has to happen and it catches me off guard every time. ..i might have to go back to florence and the machine station if they keep it up. 

anyway. so i mentioned living in a sublet situation for the next few weeks and it has been pretty good so far. i really like my room and it is so nice to have roommates yet have my own room, i always had a shared room in college so it is kind of a dream to be able to come in here and have a place that is just mine. i feel sad about the lighting in the room, it is kind of dim and depressing but morning time natural light rocks. the house is adorable and i've had to refrain multiple times from commenting on the house owner's blog to tell her how much i like living here. right now i'm living in malden which is like 7ish miles outside of the more central areas. i feel like in utah that would be fine but here it just feels like it is so far away. luckily, it is beautiful and i've already fallen in love with the city. another lucky thing is the rent. it is like half of what i will be paying come march so hopefully i will be making money by then and it won't feel as sad as it sounds in my head. 

i'm trying to do things that are more convenient to get to from out here (compared to where i will be living) so i've been researching fun things to do that are near the orange subway line (if that doesn't make sense to you go here and maybe the picture will help), which is the line i live closest to. in march i will live closer to the red line. anyway, i've also chosen to buy weekly public transportation passes which force me to go do things (since i've already paid for the next seven days) because i'm easily motivated by the desire to not waste money. i thought maybe i would hate not having a car but every time i'm in a car with someone they can't find parking or are sad they have to pay for parking and getting places just takes forever so i actually feel like flying out instead of driving was a good choice. i never thought i'd live in a place where the public transit is actually more convenient! it has been a fun and interesting transition.

since i am outside a lot i have gotten really good at bundling up and justifying any purchase of cold weather accessories. i do realize that starting march the weather should be getting warmer so i have exercised more self control and have not bought everything in sight even though i'm very tempted to. i bought a down coat before coming out here and i'm still trying to not feel like a grandma when i wear it. today is the first day i actually wore it all day and even though i do feel like a grandma or even a ginormous marshmallow, it feels like a dream. when i was on the subway i just felt like i was wrapped up in a down comforter and i could have gone to sleep right then and there. but back to winter accessories, i'm getting really bored with everything so i've just started making really awful/loud combinations like the one above. 

since being in boston i've been by myself a lot. the first two weeks was just because i was usually the only one home but this past week is a different story. my new roommates are nice. three of them are 20 and just came out together for a six month adventure and the other one is 26 and is finishing up her masters at one of the many schools around here. for some reason they all get along fabulously and all hang out with each other in the family room and i end up staying in my room by myself haha. i can't quite figure out if i just keep to myself and so it seems like i'm disinterested in their friendship or if they just don't particularly care for me and i sense that so i just keep to myself. multiple times this week i've told them my interest in going places with them and we talk about doing things but then the house will get really quiet and i'll realize they left without saying anything haha. so the first few days i kept putting myself out there and being like "okay when you figure out what you are doing today let me know! i'm definitely interested in joining you!" but i think i've decided to stop trying to include myself because whether they do it without realizing it or on purpose i just keep getting my feelings hurt! like this morning i woke up to all four of them getting ready really early so i went to see what was going on and found them all getting ready to go to a renaissance market in new hampshire or something and were completely decked out in renaissance attire. first of all, what?! and second of all, why was i not invited?!  to see everyone dressed up like that would have been such a treeeeaaat.  but jokes aside, really why was it not even mentioned to me? i felt bad that everyone in my house planned to have this little day trip and didn't even think to (or maybe they did and just didn't want to?) invite me. so i told them to have a nice time and then laid back down and started CRYING. i felt like i was 14 again but really. i just felt really dumb and i'm not used to living in an environment like that so i guess this week has just caught me off guard. 

i've always had roommates who do anything and everything with every roommate (that is available to join) so i think it has just been an adjustment to not be in the roommate club? i don't even know. and i wasn't even going to write about this because hello! crying over not getting invited to a renaissance market is possibly the most embarrassing thing of my life but in all honesty i think we have all felt like that at one point or another and it isn't about what activity it is it but rather it is the principle of it. i don't even care about renaissance markets and i'm actually rather indifferent about these girls. my feelings were not hurt because i want to be their best friend, they are hurt because i feel unnecessarily excluded. we all want to be liked and included and sometimes people just aren't considerate or even think to be which makes absolutely no sense to me but whatever. i think being new in an area just magnifies those feelings as well. if this incident would have happened in provo i wouldn't have cared at all, but for some reason since i'm out in boston without any family and very few friends - having roommates (or it could be girls in the ward/neighborhood/whatever) that don't care to include me or really get to know me is a sad thing. 

but i will say, it is nice to have experiences like that because a. it makes you more grateful for people who are considerate and kind (and who like you haha) and b. it forces you to really choose your attitude and how you feel about the situation as a whole. this morning i could have just felt upset at my roommates, went back to bed, and laid around all day. instead i decided to get up and make a plan for the day of nice things to do so it didn't ruin my saturday.  so even though i was still kind of bummed i did some things i needed to get done and then headed out earlier than i usually am awake! (i've sucked at the whole early to bed early to rise thing these days but i'm getting better) i spent the entire morning and afternoon walking around boston's north end seeing lots of nice things and felt very satisfied with all the sights i saw. it gets dark so early here so i wanted to walk back before it was too dark. i got home around five and then showered, uploaded pictures from the past week, and started blogging - which brings us back to the beginning of this post. i have not stepped out of my room since my roommates got home and to be quite honest i will probably continue to keep to myself and continue to have solo adventures and that is okay. i thought it would be nice to have some company but i rather like going places by myself. i only hate it when it gets late and every episode of law and order svu haunts my thoughts haha. a time will come in my life when i can't just go where i want when i want and having time alone will become a rarity. i already know my life in boston won't be long so i need to make the most of it and make every day worth remembering.

so..thanks for having this heart to heart with me. sometimes it just feels nice to be honest you know?