hi.

                           

do you ever feel like talking to someone but no one in particular? maybe that is a cue for me to write in my journal but i feel like writing on my blog so i'm just going to tell you things about my life and then maybe how i feel about it okay? don't be weirded out.

it is 8:05 pm on saturday night. i am sitting at my makeshift desk in some rather comfy fleece pajama pants and my $1.50 red sweatshirt from guy's discount. my hair is still half wet from my shower and i probably should have blow dried it an hour ago. i'm listening to the bon iver station on pandora and i know i should be hip and get into spotify but it just feels hard. back to bon iver, i'm quite a fan of this station but sometimes i just wish he and others like him didn't slip in the f word here and there? i just don't really get why that has to happen and it catches me off guard every time. ..i might have to go back to florence and the machine station if they keep it up. 

anyway. so i mentioned living in a sublet situation for the next few weeks and it has been pretty good so far. i really like my room and it is so nice to have roommates yet have my own room, i always had a shared room in college so it is kind of a dream to be able to come in here and have a place that is just mine. i feel sad about the lighting in the room, it is kind of dim and depressing but morning time natural light rocks. the house is adorable and i've had to refrain multiple times from commenting on the house owner's blog to tell her how much i like living here. right now i'm living in malden which is like 7ish miles outside of the more central areas. i feel like in utah that would be fine but here it just feels like it is so far away. luckily, it is beautiful and i've already fallen in love with the city. another lucky thing is the rent. it is like half of what i will be paying come march so hopefully i will be making money by then and it won't feel as sad as it sounds in my head. 

i'm trying to do things that are more convenient to get to from out here (compared to where i will be living) so i've been researching fun things to do that are near the orange subway line (if that doesn't make sense to you go here and maybe the picture will help), which is the line i live closest to. in march i will live closer to the red line. anyway, i've also chosen to buy weekly public transportation passes which force me to go do things (since i've already paid for the next seven days) because i'm easily motivated by the desire to not waste money. i thought maybe i would hate not having a car but every time i'm in a car with someone they can't find parking or are sad they have to pay for parking and getting places just takes forever so i actually feel like flying out instead of driving was a good choice. i never thought i'd live in a place where the public transit is actually more convenient! it has been a fun and interesting transition.

since i am outside a lot i have gotten really good at bundling up and justifying any purchase of cold weather accessories. i do realize that starting march the weather should be getting warmer so i have exercised more self control and have not bought everything in sight even though i'm very tempted to. i bought a down coat before coming out here and i'm still trying to not feel like a grandma when i wear it. today is the first day i actually wore it all day and even though i do feel like a grandma or even a ginormous marshmallow, it feels like a dream. when i was on the subway i just felt like i was wrapped up in a down comforter and i could have gone to sleep right then and there. but back to winter accessories, i'm getting really bored with everything so i've just started making really awful/loud combinations like the one above. 

since being in boston i've been by myself a lot. the first two weeks was just because i was usually the only one home but this past week is a different story. my new roommates are nice. three of them are 20 and just came out together for a six month adventure and the other one is 26 and is finishing up her masters at one of the many schools around here. for some reason they all get along fabulously and all hang out with each other in the family room and i end up staying in my room by myself haha. i can't quite figure out if i just keep to myself and so it seems like i'm disinterested in their friendship or if they just don't particularly care for me and i sense that so i just keep to myself. multiple times this week i've told them my interest in going places with them and we talk about doing things but then the house will get really quiet and i'll realize they left without saying anything haha. so the first few days i kept putting myself out there and being like "okay when you figure out what you are doing today let me know! i'm definitely interested in joining you!" but i think i've decided to stop trying to include myself because whether they do it without realizing it or on purpose i just keep getting my feelings hurt! like this morning i woke up to all four of them getting ready really early so i went to see what was going on and found them all getting ready to go to a renaissance market in new hampshire or something and were completely decked out in renaissance attire. first of all, what?! and second of all, why was i not invited?!  to see everyone dressed up like that would have been such a treeeeaaat.  but jokes aside, really why was it not even mentioned to me? i felt bad that everyone in my house planned to have this little day trip and didn't even think to (or maybe they did and just didn't want to?) invite me. so i told them to have a nice time and then laid back down and started CRYING. i felt like i was 14 again but really. i just felt really dumb and i'm not used to living in an environment like that so i guess this week has just caught me off guard. 

i've always had roommates who do anything and everything with every roommate (that is available to join) so i think it has just been an adjustment to not be in the roommate club? i don't even know. and i wasn't even going to write about this because hello! crying over not getting invited to a renaissance market is possibly the most embarrassing thing of my life but in all honesty i think we have all felt like that at one point or another and it isn't about what activity it is it but rather it is the principle of it. i don't even care about renaissance markets and i'm actually rather indifferent about these girls. my feelings were not hurt because i want to be their best friend, they are hurt because i feel unnecessarily excluded. we all want to be liked and included and sometimes people just aren't considerate or even think to be which makes absolutely no sense to me but whatever. i think being new in an area just magnifies those feelings as well. if this incident would have happened in provo i wouldn't have cared at all, but for some reason since i'm out in boston without any family and very few friends - having roommates (or it could be girls in the ward/neighborhood/whatever) that don't care to include me or really get to know me is a sad thing. 

but i will say, it is nice to have experiences like that because a. it makes you more grateful for people who are considerate and kind (and who like you haha) and b. it forces you to really choose your attitude and how you feel about the situation as a whole. this morning i could have just felt upset at my roommates, went back to bed, and laid around all day. instead i decided to get up and make a plan for the day of nice things to do so it didn't ruin my saturday.  so even though i was still kind of bummed i did some things i needed to get done and then headed out earlier than i usually am awake! (i've sucked at the whole early to bed early to rise thing these days but i'm getting better) i spent the entire morning and afternoon walking around boston's north end seeing lots of nice things and felt very satisfied with all the sights i saw. it gets dark so early here so i wanted to walk back before it was too dark. i got home around five and then showered, uploaded pictures from the past week, and started blogging - which brings us back to the beginning of this post. i have not stepped out of my room since my roommates got home and to be quite honest i will probably continue to keep to myself and continue to have solo adventures and that is okay. i thought it would be nice to have some company but i rather like going places by myself. i only hate it when it gets late and every episode of law and order svu haunts my thoughts haha. a time will come in my life when i can't just go where i want when i want and having time alone will become a rarity. i already know my life in boston won't be long so i need to make the most of it and make every day worth remembering.

so..thanks for having this heart to heart with me. sometimes it just feels nice to be honest you know?