and then i went to utah. graveside memorial.

back in january, as my flight landed in boston, i turned on my phone and had received a text from becky. it read, 

"we saw the specialist this afternoon and it doesn't look good for this little guy..he has a bilateral cleft pallet and pretty bad brain and heart problems - those 3 combined point toward trisomy 13 or 18...it's a miracle he has made it to 20 weeks..There is a good chance i could miscarriage and if he is born alive he will probably only live a few hours..we appreciate your prayers and fasting and continue to trust our our heavenly Father from here on out"

i was on the second row of the plane but couldn't bring myself to get up so i just sat in my seat and sobbed as everyone else exited the plane. i felt so sad that i just flew 2,500 miles away from my family at a time when we needed to be with each other most. 

as the months went on i stayed glued to becky's blog for updates and anything that could be seen as good news. as everything settled in we all became more and more hopeful that somehow things would work themselves out and felt comforted that baby kevin would be okay. we had the faith and knowledge from previous experiences that Heavenly Father has, does, and will continue to perform miracles.  

as may came closer i thought about going home and decided to only go home if baby kevin didn't make it. i started to wonder if maybe i should book a plane ticket but my faith and feelings of comfort and peace that everything would be okay kept me from doing so. 

on may 10th the excitement began to build as my siblings and i exchanged fb messages to each other about becky being induced and how we wished we could all be there. it was a fun and distracting day at work as we all looked forward to his arrival. i hadn't heard anything for awhile and had just gotten off work so i decided to just call my mom and see how things were going. 

she answered and told me that becky had him around noon. it wasn't until he was delivered that they were finally able to see his face and were almost positive he had trisomy 13. the doctors and nurses left them alone so that they could be with baby kevin for as long as they could. he lived an hour and a half and passed away two hours before i called my mom. 

i remember walking and listening as my mom told me all of this and had a similar reaction as i did on the plane four months earlier. i just cried and cried as i walked the rest of the way home, completely confused by this outcome. for a moment i thought about not going home and wondered if it would be easier/cheaper if i just stayed but i couldn't have done that. i needed to be with my sister an family so by the end of the night my flight was booked, the kind people at work had not only given me time off but also some bereavement,  and i was making plans to return to utah the next week. 

saturday of the following week found our immediate family in malad, idaho attending the graveside memorial of our precious baby kevin. this day was so bitter sweet. bitter because we had really hoped he would make it and sweet because we recognized that he did make it and fought so hard for every minute he was here. the results came back that he had full trisomy 13 and it was an absolute miracle becky didn't miscarriage and even more of a miracle that he lived as long as he did. 

something else that was sweet was all seven of us siblings were in the same place at the same time which hadn't happened in ten years! we kept thinking my wedding would do it for us but since that wasn't happening, baby kev made it happen instead.  i love him for that. 

 i've felt bad for being away for so much of this but i was grateful for the opportunity to come home, meet kevin david beck jr, be with family, and - this might sound weird - bring my camera to document it. i couldn't change the outcome of what happened but i could help preserve the experience and our memories of it. now as any photographer knows, it is a bit of a sacrifice to photograph events you want to be a part of (as a person experiencing it rather than photographing others experiencing it) - but looking back on these pictures i feel grateful for that sacrifice and the ability to do this sort of thing for my family. 

baby k's graveside memorial : 5.19.2012

baby kev has made a lasting impact on all of us. our family has grown in faith, strength, and love and we are changed for the better because his life has touched (and will continue to touch) ours. 

his graveside memorial was beautiful. the music, prayers, and words that were spoken were perfect and i'm sure he enjoyed receiving so many blue balloons :)

  for more details, becky wrote a beautiful post about the day here. 

i'm so grateful for the knowledge that families are eternal and that as we do our best to live in accordance with God's plan for us, we will be with him again. we are sad we had to say goodbye to him so soon in this life but we look forward to reuniting with him in the next. we love you baby k! thank you for joining our family, we are so lucky to have you.