and then i went to utah.

it is kind of weird to blog about this since everyone who reads this blog already knows all these things so i guess this will be extra journal-y because looking back in my real journal i only wrote a half page of the whole event (but of course left many blank pages after that half page to write more) and it definitely deserves proper documentation. 

first flight from boston to chicago: realized way too late that i picked the WORST seat and felt so miserable the entire flight 

second flight from chicago to utah: decided to sit in the seat with lots of leg room to move around and felt slightly guilty that i didn't offer to switch spots with longest legs man (who actually needed all that room) sitting next to me. 

immediately after i arrived i had some much needed sister/zupa time and then beelined it over to becky's house to love on lilly bug because i missed her so dang much!

this picture might be lame but i just wanted to document the niceness of sitting in my parents living room with (some of) my sisters. with texas on the left, boston, utah, and then washington on the right - it always feels like a miracle when we get to be together and ordinary moments like this just feel so special and not ordinary at all.

as most of you know the reason i went to utah was because my nephew passed away (after an hour and a half of being born -he ended up having full trisomy 13) and i just needed to be with my family and support my sister. we had all hoped and had faith that he would live and the problems he was born with would be worked out but Heavenly Father's plan for him was a little different. Finding out that becky had delivered him and he had already passed away in the same conversation was such a difficult thing to hear. we had all felt such peace about the situation and interpreted that as meaning he would live and be alright. i was honestly shocked that he passed away (what felt like to me) so quickly. i knew that the only way i would go to utah at this time was if he didn't make it so booking my flight was heartbreaking. as i thought about going to utah i struggled with the realization that i would be attending a graveside memorial for a nephew i never even got to meet.

..so when i landed in utah and found out becky wanted us to go see him (at the funeral home) i was overcome with gratitude. all i had wanted was to be able to see him.  

becky/dad/mom/rick i hope that it is okay that i post this picture, i think it is a good portrayal of what an emotional experience this was for all of us. we all got a turn to hold him and i think we all just cried the entire time. tears of sadness that his little spirit was no longer in his precious body, tears of gratitude that we got to hold him and love on him when none of us thought we would, and more tears of gratitude for the plan of salvation and knowing that this little guy would be a part of our family forever. i will never forget those few moments i had with him, even with the problems his little body had he seemed perfect to me. 

after giving ourselves some time to take in everything that happened earlier, we went with all the girls (including my cousin erica and my dad, lucky for him he gets invited to all events) to get some frozen yogurt. i will never understand why my family is so obsessed with that stuff but it has become a fun little tradition so approve of it.  

we sat in the corner of that place for a good two or three hours (sorry u-swirl) and just talked and laughed and visited. somehow we started going through everyone's purses and i just loved the surprises they pulled out. kim had a big band of candy, mindy had her lego men, becky had my little pony, a little people cow, and a rubber ducky, and natalie had some of her jewels that she sells haha. it felt so nice to just laugh about random things and be with each other, it was definitely therapeutic.  

the day after i arrived i attended the funeral of my cousin's son. ryan was only 14 years old and passed away tragically after going into cardiac arrest two weeks prior (his obituary can be found here). being at his funeral felt a lot like going to brynn's viewing the year before - it felt like a wonderful person was just taken way too soon but i felt grateful to learn more about them and learn from them as people told stories about the way they lived life. i didn't know brynn or ryan incredibly well but they are both the type of person you just know is okay because they lived life fully. at one point ryan's uncle asked all of ryan's classmates to stand up and then asked all those who had been influenced by his life to stand as well. it was so powerful to look around the room and see so many people standing, i'm sure ryan had no idea how many lives he touched. 

this picture is probably so inappropriate considering it is in the chapel but we had to document the recreation of our childhood and going to church - there was just so many of us that we had to cram ourselves onto the bench! this picture would be better if our sister becky was in it too (at this moment we were going on day 2 of all the siblings being in town and we still hadn't gotten all seven of us in the same room)

i appreciated that they had a little family luncheon afterwards because i got to catch up with cousins and brothers and my sweet grandpa. that picture of him holding my hand is slightly creepy but i just wanted to remember the sweetness of that moment. he is the only grandparent i have left so i feel like every second i get to spend with him is precious. 

sibs and parents and dots for ryan. 

his classmates wanted to do a fundraiser so they decided to sell those dots for a dollar and then kids could write a message to ryan on them. i was impressed by their thoughtfulness and desire to help his family in this definite time of need.

after the funeral i got in some more niece and nephew time which i just loved. i sure did (and do again) miss those tots.

the day ended with writing our letters to baby kevin in preparation for his graveside memorial (on my taiwanese stationary which i felt happy about) and an adult pizza night with my parents and siblings (which was very nice) 

aaaand two days is about all i can do for tonight (it turns out blogging about it is just as emotionally draining as when it all happened) but i will post more about my utah trip soon.