i'm going to share my thoughts on pornography.

i hope that is okay with you.
i know this topic scares and stresses many people out and they don't like talking about it. i completely understand, i used to feel that way too. please be brave and just hear me out for a few minutes okay?


"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."
-Martin Luther King



(the campaign discussed above can be found here. at about minute 1:25 the very talented nik day performs a song that he wrote for the cause)


i don't know if any of you read my little rant about speaking up and becoming aware of the things that could harm the family but i went to a pornography awareness conference right after my mission and i've spent a lot of time the past two years trying to understand the problem and figure out how to help the problem.


when i first learned how many lives were affected by pornography and that utah is one of the number one buyers of internet pornography i felt like something inside of me died. i no longer saw young men with love and respect but rather saw these monsters with a huge secret that would eventually destroy them and everyone around them. 

two years later i can say that i was very wrong to feel that way. yes, many men have or do or will struggle with pornography but they are not monsters. i don't know about you but i was taught in various church settings that if you find out a boy you are dating has a problem with pornography you RUN. but at the same time ward councils are conducting anonymous surveys to the elders quorum and only a handful of them have never struggled with it. when i began to realize that was reality my entire view of the problem had to change. this was not just happening with dirty gross men (like the one described in my last post) but good and worthy priesthood holders had struggled, are struggling, or could easily begin struggling with it in the future. 

at first this realization scared me and made me feel hopeless for our generation. i started thinking about it and us 20 something young adults were not very old when the internet became more accessible. i remember my mom helping me know what to say if someone offered me drugs or alcohol or if a man tried to grab me but we never discussed what i would do if someone tried to make me look at or watch inappropriate images. after talking to a lot of people they said the same thing. lucky for many of us we weren't put in that situation but many of our generation were. without being taught about pornography in a safe environment they learned about it from junior high or high school friends and many got into it not realizing the damaging effects. 

now i'm not trying to make excuses for anyone but i do think we need to recognize many weren't prepared to withstand the temptation of pornography and were kind of blind sided at a young age. we must be more understanding and kind to those who have this struggle. they are sometimes our best friend or family member or significant other or spouse or our friend's spouse. whether we like it or not, at some point everyones life will be effected by this so it is so important to understand it so we can better understand them and stop being so judgmental. it is time, to in our minds and hearts, separate the sinner from the sin.

many of these people keep it a secret because as a culture we have let them know loud and clear that their problem is filthy and unacceptable. rather than helping the problem we sometimes, without realizing it, perpetuate it. satan loves this. he loves that we are all so hushed about it because then it can keep happening. he tricks those addicted into thinking that if it is a secret then it will only effect themselves and tricks everyone else into thinking that if we don't talk about it then it isn't a problem. 

but the thing is for so many people it IS a problem, whether we talk about it or not. so we are left with two options. we can continue to let this issue grow in darkness or we can expose the problem, be open and honest, and really work towards managing the problem and stopping it. we can stop thinking only of ourselves and realize that perhaps they (meaning those that are repentant and trying to stop the addiction) are hurting just as much as we are.  

i am no expert but i think most of these good people who struggle with it would say it isn't about sex. looking at pornography gives the brain dopamine, therefore making it more of a drug addiction. it gives people the sense of being in control when perhaps everything else in their life feels out of their control. many who struggle with depression and apathy end up turning to pornography just to feel some sort of stimulation. some people hate themselves for having the problem but continue to look at it just to confirm to themselves that they really are worthless and should be hated. for some it is how they manage and relieve their stress and for others they started so young they just don't know how to stop. 

i think any therapist who deals with this issue would tell us that the shame associated with this problem is heart breaking. a friend told me how countless christian men go into her office just weeping because they have tried so hard to stop and hate that they look at it but they don't know how to stop. does that not break your heart? it breaks mine. 

so yes. there are people out there who don't really care and actually like looking at pornography and don't care to get help (i think those are the ones we are told to run from). but i think the majority of them are good people with good intentions and would work towards getting help if they felt it was safe to do so. but instead of it being a safe topic it is something no one wants to talk about or deal with. this creates a cycle of shame rather than a pattern of open and honest communication which makes it hard (if not impossible) for them to break away from it. we have to be more loving and understanding and believe the atonement can and does cover this sin too.

i really hope i don't sound too preachy. in all honesty i'm finally sharing my thoughts because i feel that is the reason why we go through hard things. we suddenly care about things we might have never cared about otherwise and our heart is prepared to help others going through the same thing. through this learning process i have gained a greater faith in the atonement and believe more fully that it can change us. i believe that pornography plagues many lives but through sincere and honest communication, understanding, LOVE, prayers and hard work - this battle can be won. marriages can be saved and relationships can be restored. 

 the time has come to understand and learn how to deal with this in a healthy manner and see people who struggle with it in a healthy way. if we allowed our loved ones to be open and gave them permission to not be ashamed and were accepting and loving, they would have no reason to hide this or any other problem they are struggling with. i am so proud of those brave few who are starting be honest about their story, who are becoming more concerned with helping others, and becoming less concerned with how they are viewed by those who still don't understand.

the music video above really resonated with me and touched my heart, maybe it will do the same for some of you? i'm not involved personally with the campaign but i do support it and will be donating to it. if you would like to as well or just want to read more about it you can here.  if you do not feel like this affects you but know of someone who it does affect, please share it with them. 

for any one who has a loved one struggling with this, it doesn't have to be scary.  i'm very willing to talk about what i've learned and my experience if that would help you. i know that sometimes commenting publicly can be hard so my email address is megansollis@gmail.com and you are more than welcome to contact me personally. 

..these are the things i wish someone would have told me (or perhaps they tried and i didn't listen?) so that is why i feel i should tell you. not understanding the issue causes so much more pain and sorrow while understanding it puts it in perspective and gives us the ability to have hope and to heal.  through my own experience i've learned that we don't have to give up on each other! not just in relation to this problem but any problem. that is such a powerful realization Heavenly Father has given me and one that i might not have been able to learn in any other way. so for that and all the many other things i have learned, i am grateful.